December 2
Aeon Flux
Man, this thing could go both ways. Will it suck? Will it rule the
school? Who know? It could be rad because Charlize looks like a
foxbox with her black hair cut and stuff and it could totally blow
because it kinda looks like a made for the SciFi Channel stinker
with a big budget. It is based on the old MTV Liquid Television
cartoon by Peter Chung that blew my mind when I was in junior high,
so I still gotta see it. And Charlize is a solid gold foxbox. Solid.
December 9
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
So I was walking through the mall a few weeks ago and I walked past
a store where all they had inside were copies of this movie’s
original book, crap from the movie and study Bibles. As I walked
past, the girl inside working there started yelling at me to come
inside and check out some of her talking animal book action. JEEZ!
If this movie didn’t have talking monsters, witches and wizard
people, I’d be walking up to people in line for it and passing
some gas. Still, it looks like it would be worth the cost of admission
because the screen looks constantly full of wild talking monkeys
with throwing stars fighting one million ninjas and stuff. That’s
totally not in this movie, but I can dream can’t I?
Syriana
Man, that Clooney is on a roll! And not just any roll, that guy
is on a freakin’ egg roll! Jumping from the faboo Good Night
and Good Luck. to this hard-as-nails, tough-azz thriller from Traffic
screenwriter Stephen Gaghan, the guy is a champion! Whenever I look
at Clooney, I can’t help thinking he would make an awesome
Star Trek captain. He’d probably never do it, but seriously
think about it. Also, think about his turn as Batman in Batman and
Robin. That movie is a honey-coated turd that needs a good bug hug.
Oh, Clooney can you do no wrong?
Brokeback Mountain
I saw this trailer in a packed theater of blue hairs going to see
History of Violence. Between this movie’s trailer and that
movie, the blue hairs had their minds totally blown. ‘Bout
time a movie like this got made and will get the release it deserves.
I still haven’t forgiven Ang Lee for The Hulk, but he gets
points for making this one.
Memoirs of a Geisha
No kung fu, made by an American director and the whole thing is
in English. This can eat it.
December 14
King Kong
Yeah, it is three hours long and I hear from lots of people who
could care less about this flick, but c’mon people it has
a giant monkey fighting a dinosaur. I’m on this thing like
freakin’ white on rice. Sold.
December 16
Family Stone
No, it isn’t the Jamie Foxx starring Sly Stone biopic movie
in 3-D, it’s a dumb family holiday comedy thing with Sarah
Jessica Parker, Claire Danes and Diane Keaton. Blahsville, baby,
blahsville. Gimme more giant monkeys in my movies.
The Producers
So Mel Brooks lost his touch a long, long time ago but have you
seen the trailer for this? Shit looks seriously funny. Like Club
Paradise funny. Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick, Will Ferrell and
Uma Thurman look like they are having the time of their lives, and
“Springtime for Hitler” is always a gasser knee-slapper.
December 21
Cheaper by the Dozen 2
Aside from Satan, who wants this stinker? Is it better than a poke
in the eye with a sharp stick? Doubt it!
Fun With Dick & Jane
Over budget, over schedule and full of reshoots, this Jim Carey/Tea
Leoni comedy is, amazingly, getting decent word of mouth. People
would pay to go see Jim Carey if he has passed out in a ditch down
the street, so it doesn’t really matter.
Hostel
This horror flick from Cabin Fever helmer Eli Roth is gettin’
all the hype with it being “presented by” Tarantino
and everything. I like the premise of a bunch of stupid American
kids going to Europe for chicks, booze and parties and ending up
getting tortured by a bunch of Euro-sickos, but can the finished
film deliver the goods or will it be like when Kiss went disco?
Actually, “I Was Made for Lovin’ You” is a pretty
good song, it just gets a bad rap from the Kiss Army. Tribute bands
never play that action. And they should, brother...and they should.
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