There are a lot of things in this crazy
mixed-up world I don’t get. Stuff like pajamas in the daytime,
wheat grass, Tofuti and decaf coffee constantly confuse the crap
out of me. But there’s one thing I find more bewildering than
all the rest: anime. I just don’t get why some people are
so buck-wild nuts for these things. I’ve seen a few that were
entertaining, sure, and I suppose I am thankful that they have allowed
many fans to connect in a weird pent-up sexual/non-sexual kinda
way, but the genre of anime just does absolutely nothing for me.
However, even I will stand by the anime kids in saying that the
live action, horribly dubbed version of an anime called Dragon
Ball totally rules the school and at the same time royally
sucks the big one. Dragon Ball: The Magic Begins sweetly
calls to me in the night, and as I wake it kicks me square in the
Dragon Ball. Completely unwatchable, weirdly perverted and insanely
compelling at the same time, it is a disaster of only the purest
form. I bow down to you Dragon Ball: The Magic Begins and
beg you to no longer hurt me.
The fun begins in this flick as some giant ceremony is going on
somewhere in some poor country somewhere. You see, to place this
film in kinda realistic territory would more impossible than The
Darkness having another hit single. Seems like this whole ceremony
is about giving this cheesy-looking crystal called The Dragon Pearl
to the new village chief. Everything is going smooth until some
crappy-looking space ships show up and start blowing everything
in the village up. Isn’t that always just the way? Coming
out of these spaceships are tons of shiny Power Ranger-ish dudes
led by a guy in a stupid blue monster mask named King Horn. Good
name. King Horn shoots some lazers from his hand, kills the village
chief, and takes the Dragon Pearl. Seems this blue boob already
has one Pearl and he only needs five more until “a light will
explode right in the middle of Heaven and the magic dragon will
appear and then the universe will be under his control.” Got
that?
From that dramatic opening, the film cuts to an old guy with a bouffant
hairdo and his grandson who also has a tremendous bouffant hairdo.
The grandson’s name is Monkey Boy. Monkey Boy has a magic
pole that can become longer and more powerful when he commands it
to. Grandpa has a Dragon Pearl that is the most important thing
in the world to him. Seriously, the kid’s name is Monkey Boy
and he has a magic extending pole. ‘Nuff said. After Monkey
Boy and Grandpa get done flipping through the woods and we can totally
see the wires the actors are hanging on, I began to think that this
film is what it would like if a junior high class tried to make
a sequel to House of Flying Daggers and everyone in that class was
brain damaged and had huge bouffant hairdos.
After they get done flipping, we see Monkey Boy go feed monkeys
and try to capture a talking crocodile. When he gets back home,
he sees that Grandpa has been kidnapped by King Horn’s shiny
army and their house has been blown up. Totally torn up by this,
Monkey Boy flees into the woods and ends up in a desert somewhere
where a Jeep almost runs him over. Monkey Boy tries to use kung
fu on the Jeep until the lady driver sits up and shoots Monkey Boy
with an Uzi. Sadly, Monkey Boy jumps right up and says, “What
was the magic you used? It really hurts! Evil witch!”
The girl, who is named Seetoe, and is for some reason in full cowgirl
regalia, is the first female poor Monkey Boy has ever seen. Naturally,
he points at her chest and remembers that his grandpa once told
him: “Boys who touch girls are called rapists!” He and
Seetoe then laugh about that for a while. Okay. Seetoe then asks
where Monkey Boy comes from and calls him “Jerk Ball.”
Monkey Boy defends himself by saying, “Hey, I’m not
Jerk Ball, I’m Monkey Boy!” David Mamet, eat your heart
out.
In what seems like forever, Monkey Boy and Seetoe go off in search
of Grandpa, eat jerky, ride elephants, and talk about their feelings.
Along the way they meet annoying characters like dopey fat guy Pig
Fairy and Westwood “The Bandit of the West” who also
happens to be cross-eyed and has a talking parrot named Snow White.
Monkey Boy and Westwood fight and fly around for what seems like
hours until Westwood becomes distracted by Seetoe. When the lovely
Seetoe asks Westwood if she can be his friend, he takes off running
through the woods in high speed until he stops to confess, “I’m
tough and I’m not afraid of anything except women! How can
I ever achieve big things?” That’s the million-dollar
question, ain’t it Westwood? Things get back on track with
the “plot” as Pig Fairy tells the gang that the only
guy who can defeat King Horn is The Turtle Man. Only problem is
that Turtle Man is as Pig Fairy explains, “a sex maniac.”
When we first see Turtle Man, who turns out is bald guy with a white
mustache, giant sunglasses, Bermuda shorts and a massive turtle
shell on his back, he’s doing a little pelvic thrust dance.
After that he jumps on a magic cloud and orders it to “go
to the four corners of the Earth and find him all the pretty girls.”
The cloud kicks him off. At this point in watching Dragon Ball:
The Magic Begins, I realized I was no longer shocked by a sex
maniac Turtle Man jumping on a magic cloud to go get laid. I was
fully absorbed into the magic which had truly begun. Before too
long the gang shows up at Turtle Man’s house and he starts
gawking at Seetoe and saying that his whole body feels itchy. Not
creepy at all. Not one bit. While Monkey Boy and Westwood start
fighting again, Turtle Man starts doing his pelvic thrust which
makes Pig Fairy say, “He must have magic in those shorts!”
Seetoe then shows Turtle Man her breasts, which makes his eyes light
up and causes him to fall over backwards saying, “She’s
sooo sexy! I’ve finally really lived! My brain is totally
freaking out!” I’d like to announce that this film was
directed by a guy named Ho Chi Keung and that Mr. Keung has some
issues, and I’m not talking about Consumer Reports.
The shiny bad guys show up again and all of a sudden the Pig Fairy
looks like Rambo and is blowing everyone away with a giant machine
gun and Monkey Boy is flying around on the flying cloud. King Horn
shows up with Grandpa and threatens to kill him unless they give
him all their Dragon Pearls. Turtle Man thrusts a Dragon Ball down
King Horn’s throat and his stomach explodes and he dies. This
is a kids’ movie, people. After King Horn blows up, Monkey
Boy and Westwood start fighting again and BLAM the movie is over.
No end credits, nothing! It just ends! I imagine there are no credits
as nobody involved in the film’s production would want to
admit to ever being involved with this weird freak-show flick. My
love/hate relationship with the film has grown with time ever since
I first saw it and proclaimed it as a true gem of the highest grade.
It is a film I hope to be able to show to future generations during
the holiday season, exposing new friends so they can wonder about
my sanity, and force drunken film students to watch it and lie to
them telling it is the first Wong Kar-Wai film. Let the magic begin!
Email
watchmenow@annarborpaper.com
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