September is here and
that means school is back, summer’s breathing a final dying
heat wave breath and all the good movies are coming out this month.
Wrong. Yeah, kids are back in school and it is still hotter than
a right outta the oven Krispy Kreme outside but there ain’t
diddley-squat to go see this month. Well, wait a minute, I take
that back...that’s only kinda true....
September 2
Sound of Thunder Holy crap, I saw a trailer for this like
a year ago! It has Ed Burns looking sad, confused and pissed at
his agent as he wanders around in a space suit. It also has some
of the dopiest looking CGI dinosaur monsters seen since Spawn!
What does all that equal? Solid gold! Too bad the dollar theater
in Ann Arbor is gone, because of there ever was a dollar flick it
is this gem.
Transporter 2 Thank RoboCop we have just a straight
up action movie here. No frills, no big stars, no message, just
action for action’s sake. When I saw the first Transporter,
I was enjoying the balls-to-the-wall action scenes so much Pepsi
almost squirted out my nose. This baby looks like it wants to sneak
into your house, wake you up and make you ride a jet ski through
a brick wall. Jason Statham is a manly-man action star and Luc Besson
writes the Euro-action like nobody else.
Underclassmen Nick Cannon plays a 22-year-old detective
sent to an elite private school to pose as a student and solve a
crime. Lame.
September 9
The Exorcism of Emily Rose This “inspired by true
events” horror flick tells the story of the time when the
Catholic Church officially recognized a demonic possession. Seems
the demon was inside a 19-year old-female college freshman. Man,
if I watched a bunch of episodes of Laguna Beach and ate
79 Jell-O shots, I’d have a demon in my gut too!
The Man Eugene Levy and Samuel L. Jackson hoot it up in
this buddy comedy/action flick sure to break 2005’s long running
box office slump. I predict a $900 trillion opening weekend. Biggest.
Movie. Ever.
September 16
Cry Wolf As if FearDotCom never happened, here’s
another kids-on-the-internet horror movie. It doesn’t ever
have a crying wolf in it anywhere. That’s what I want in a
movie called Cry Wolf, a sad sad wolf with a tear in his
beer.
Just Like Heaven No, this isn’t the Robert Smith
biopic, it is a romantic comedy where Mark Ruffalo has a weird Reese
Witherspoon walking through walls in his apartment. Is she a ghost?
Is he on mad ludes? Has Robert Smith ever rode a hot air balloon?
We may never know . . .
Everything is Illuminated Elijah Wood sheds his Frodo as
he stars in this Liev Schreiber-directed adaptation of the beloved
Jonathan Safran Foer novel. The book’s many fans are gonna
be watching this one with equal crossed arms and excitement, so
let’s hope Frodo and Liev can pull it off.
September 23
Flightplan Jodie Foster somehow losses her daughter on
a airplane and then everyone on the flight claims the girl never
existed. The trailer looks great and somehow Jodie Foster is not
aging. Kinda like how Keanu Reeves is 40 years old. Weird.
Tim Burton’s The Corpse Bride No doubt stop-motion
animation guru Burton and crew are hoping for Nightmare Before
Christmas-style devotion and cash here. If the film is anything
like Burton’s previous animated fare, they have nothing to
worry about.
Roll Bounce Bow Wow stars as a kid roller skating around in the
‘70s. If my name was Bow Wow, I’d roller skate everywhere
I went all the time. Them’s the rules!
September 30
Greatest Game Ever Played Bill Paxton directs this total
cheeseball-looking Disney-produced movie about people playing golf
in 1913. Paxton’s last directing job was the great yet barely
seen movie Frailty, but this one looks like a Grade A stink
bomb. If I’m gonna watch a dude play golf on screen, it better
be The Natural II: Watch Out with Ty Cobb shooting a flaming
golf ball at the moon and blowing it up. That’s drama.
History of Violence Forget that golf stuff, this one is
the real mashed potatoes and stuffing! Directed by masterweirdo
David Cronenberg, this one stars Viggo Mortensen as nice simple
small-town guy who owns a local diner. When two guys try to rob
the diner, Viggo starts moving around like a pissed off ninja and
kills the guys. Soon after, a creepy, scarred Ed Harris shows up
asking questions suggesting that maybe Viggo isn’t who he
seems to be. If you haven’t seen the trailer yet, go download
it now. You’ll be sold.
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