A young man walked up
to me in a bar once and attempted to strike up a conversation with
very little in the way of a warm-up or introduction. I brushed him
off, as I tend to do, and turned to my best guy friend.
“What made that guy think he could talk to me?” I said.
“I mean, there are, like, RULES.”
Logic would dictate, therefore, that had he followed said ‘rules’
I might have responded in a different fashion. While my comment
may have been obnoxious, it serves to point out the fact that, in
certain circumstances, even I can be convinced to talk to strangers.
Of course there are a few prerequisites, of which everyone should
be aware: be clean, have a breath mint, go easy on the hair product,
don’t drink anything pink. This kind of thing projects a basic
air of social acceptability.
Beyond those basics, there are five rules of thumb to keep in mind
when approaching a woman you don’t know very well. Following
these will maximize your chances of easing her into at least a friendly
conversation—even the world’s least friendly women,
including myself.
Approach
Don’t walk up to a girl with a bunch of buddies accompanying
you, or a group watching your jittery swoop as they high-five each
other. A crowd of guffawing onlookers is going to make her feel
like she’s on display to amuse your friends, not that you’re
actually interested in anything she has to say. Granted, those friends
often serve the purpose of providing you with a courage you wouldn’t
otherwise have, but at least make sure they’re discreet about
it. Shoo them into a darker corner, or have eyes for a girl that’s
inconveniently far away.
Closing in
Make her friends like you, or make sure she likes your friends.
Here is where going to the bar with a girlfriend comes in handy.
A woman can walk up to anyone you have your eye on and say “cute
bag” or “I know you from somewhere” without arousing
suspicion. Once your female friend has established the conversational
link, feel free to slide in and let yourself be introduced. Conversely,
see if the object of your attention is hanging out with any guy
friends, and strike up a conversation with them. If you manage to
hold their attention long enough, you’ll be stamped with their
approval and allowed past the moat.
Once you have her
When you start talking, there is no need to make your intentions
and attraction terrifically clear off the bat. One way to avoid
seeming like a horny idiot, even if you are one, is to act like
you’re talking to your best friend’s girlfriend—you’re
friendly, interested, but not so interested that she feels threatened
by the attention you’re paying her. For the love of god, please
don’t talk about how badly you want to get her alone. Just
stick to the kind of topics a girl might actually talk about with
someone who isn’t preying on her.
Keep her talking
Ask questions. Asking a question for every piece of information
she gives you may seem like it will be annoying, but is a sure-fire
way to keep a conversation going, as well as a way to pick up enough
information with which to make a reasonable assessment of the girl’s
character. Even the most frigid of harpies love to talk about themselves,
and drowning them in questions about families and childhoods leads
to tangents, which leads to more potential common ground for you
to discuss.
Hands off
Don’t touch first. A major mistake a number of men make when
they haven’t been talking to a girl for very long is to assume
that brushing her arm or any other light contact is their ‘in’
to further contact. Please play it safe by waiting until she touches
you first. An otherwise lovely young man once brushed my hair out
of my eyes after just a minute or so of small talk, and I wanted
to pour my drink on his shoe because it felt like he was pawing
me. A certain comfort level does need to be established before it’s
ok to initiate any sort of physical contact. Most women will let
you know what they’re ready for by literally showing you,
and then allowing you to follow suit.
Girls like me, the unblinking, unsmiling, unfriendly, un-free-drink-accepting
sort, are simply very wary of men we meet while out. We think they
are all trying to take us home with absolutely no interest in what
we might have to say. After all, what does a man who has been watching
you for a grand total of five minutes have on his mind? Probably
an overly generous image of what we might look like in something
less conservative. Adhering to the rules above ensures a respectful,
polite, and non-threatening approach to a distrustful woman, and
can’t help but melt her, at least enough to make you feel
that, at some point, you could have a foot in her door.
Email
girlonlove@annarborpaper.com |
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