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Mangina. Say it to yourself. Mangina. Man-gine-ah. Say it out loud, call up your best and yell it in his or her ear. Mangina. Spray paint it on your chest. Now you ask, what or who the hell is Mangina? That my friend can never be answered. It ain’t in no book and it ain’t on the internets. The greatest clue we have is the fine fine film that was shot on video known as Backwoods. I’ll cut to the chase here with Backwoods and let you know that it totally sucks super lousy style. Still you ask, isn’t this column titled “Watch Me Now”, shouldn’t I watch this movie now? Yes, you should. The reason being is that no one who watches Backwoods and sees the Mangina ever, EVER forgets it. The image of the Mangina becomes burned in your brain if you like it or not. Thus is the freaky-deaky power of the Mangina. The day after my first viewing, I sat with a friend at the Detroit airport waiting for a flight. As we sat there in the crowded room, we discusses just what we saw the night before and how we felt forever changed. As we said the word MANGINA over and over, the old lady seated behind us got up and found another seat far away from us. Did she do this because we were totally offending her and freaking her out or was it because she hadn’t seen Backwoods yet and didn’t want the whole thing spoiled by a couple of blabbermouths? I’d side with the second option. What is Backwoods, besides just a horrible crappy movie? As mentioned before it’s a shot-on-video-masterpiece created by some goon from the moon named “Grant Woodhill.” As Mr. Woodhill’s film begins we see a photo negative of some forest somewhere as a slowed down voice tells us that the backwoods are “outside the city, beyond the suburbs, past the farms and grasslands and just beyond the gates of hell”! Wow! Man, that’s serious! After that we see a close up shot of a couple of ass cheeks and the slowed down voice over continues with “an unnatural birth, a child born without a sex....raised by the animals and hill people.” Wait a minute...hill people? I want to meet a hill person. Where are they? On hills? Do they get coupons in the mail? Anyways, moving on, we learn that this is the back story of Mangina, who is a thing that “haunts the woods and damns all that enter.” In reality, Mangina is a dude in this movie with his johnson tucked between his legs, wearing a Halloween fright mask and dancing around in the woods swingin’ his arms around like a monkey that’s been fed too much Nutrasweet. After that, Backwoods jumps right to the pleasant sight of two huge fat people on a prom date having sex in the woods, sorry, the backwoods. The guy, named Deke, runs off after he’s finished and causes the woman, played by a man named Jim Edberg, to yell, “Deke! Don’t make this baby a bastard!” Turns out the whole time she’s being watched by the Mangina as we can tell by the lame red tinted fish lens that represents Manginavision. After a couple of painful minutes of her wandering around yelling, “DEKE! DEKE” the obese prom queen drag queen collapses on the ground and begins to shake. High freakin’ drama! Cut to thirty years later and the woman is still in the woods. The subtle effect of her pregnancy is given away by the backpack strap under her dress, but that doesn’t stop her from taking part in one the most disturbing scenes in video history. A giant hairy head begins to come out of her rear end as she screeches, “Bad baby! Not yet! Bad baby, comin’ out of your momma’s ass like that!” That’s right. Next thing you know, a fully grown fat guy with a goatee and tennis shoes has fallen out of her ass. His first words? “Your days of squalor are over mother! Staying in your womb for over thirty years has raised my intellect to the point of beyond genius!” Naturally. And naturally, she names him Luther, drops his head on a log and turns him into a drooling goony idiot. Thus is life. The film then cuts to a group of horny, beer-lovin’ college kids drivin around in a boogie van looking for the ultimate camping spot. Yeah! After stopping to talk to the sheriff, who warns the kids not to enter the woods as there things there that “are hungry and will eat your ass” the kids run into Luther’s beloved momma. Freaking out, they back up and run over her head again and expose a horrible squish head “special effect” that has about the same effect as squishing all the stuff out of a Twinkie. Luther finds out about his dead mom, puts on her dress and wig and decides, with Mangina cheering him on, to go out and kill all the kids for revenge. This gives us the unpleasant sight of a huge fat guy, wearing a dress, rubbing his chest, sitting on a log, and being given instructions to kill by a guy in a mask with his weenie tucked away all Silence of the Lambs-style. Luther spends the rest of the movie doing things like killing a guy named Crazy Al (played by a guy named Crazy Jay) by cutting off his head with a rope. Meanwhile, the spirit of Mangina enters one of the kids, named Mandy, who gets all horned away and takes off her shirt. As they camera sloppily zooms in on her nipple, her boyfriend gets the feminist-friendly line, “Oh yeah! Baby wants to feed!” Around this time Backwoods turns into even more of a rambling mess then it was when it began. After the film’s glorious conclusion, during which Luther eats one the kid’s guts in slow motion and then laughs about it in slow motion, the film does the impossible and actually apologizes! A big title card comes on the screen and all it says is, “sorry.” Is this sincere? Is Grant Woodhill actually sorry for making me watch Backwoods and learn all about the mysteries of the Mangina? I doubt it. Is Mr. Woodhill doing community service for stealing away 71 minutes of my life? Nah. A Google search on Grant Woodhill turns up diddly squat except tons of bad reviews for this movie and info on the DVD release of Backwoods. Put out by the home of the 10 Kung Fu Movies for 10 Bucks series, Brentwood Home Video, Backwoods was released with three other shot on video horror gems under the title Sleazy Slashers. After watching three of the four Sleazy Slashers in a row, I realized I had totally wasted an entire day, my stomach seriously hurt and I felt like I had to destroy my DVD player. Turns out it was only a giant goateed fat guy coming out of my ass, which I naturally named Luther the Second. Thanks for the memories, Backwoods! A2P |
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