This species, found only during the colder months in Ann Arbor,
believes in looking good over staying warm. The females appear to
have been cloned, as several thousand puffy-hooded-coat-and-Ugg-boots-wearing
women have overrun the streets. Never without the cell phone and
weekend plans, the female hates cold weather and misses its original
habitat. The male seems to be in denial of the freezing weather
and apparently believes that simply adding gloves and a hat to its
wardrobe of sandals and ripped-up jeans will keep him warm.
Easy to spot: The Fashionic freezerius studentus can be found walking
quickly through the Diag or waiting for hours in the book line outside
Shaman Drum. The female can often be found eating a salad at Mr.
Greeks between the hours of noon and one p.m. Evenings are spent
either “totally studying,” shopping online (cuz stores
in Ann Arbor “totally suck”) or watching that Felicity
DVD box set again. The male is much simpler. His needs consist of
smoking pot, watching Family Guy and finding out where Friday’s
kegger is. The male is rarely seen in public as going outside requires
a motive.
Commonly
heard calls: “God, why can’t all these people get out
my way?” “I can’t believe Amy, Heather, Giselle,
Ray Ray and Van have the same cute coat and boots as me!”
“It’s so cold! I’m gonna puke!” “Dude,
can I borrow ten bucks?”
Advice
if encountered: Stay out their way and don’t even try to offer
them a cup of hot cocoa unless it’s got some Baileys in it,
dude.
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