Here’s
what sets me off about summertime: People getting on my case telling
me I should go outside more and stop spending so much time going
to movies and watching DVDs. I see through the lies of the “going
outside” people. I just went outside yesterday! I jumped off
my roof wearing a Batman costume while running from attacking aliens
and was blasting the Revenge of the Sith soundtrack the whole time!
Now that you know that, everybody can leave me alone, let me have
the high ground like Obi Wan and let me watch more movies! But just
what is coming out? Check it out!
July
1
Rebound Martin Lawrence is a wacky junior high basketball coach.
Remember a few years ago when Martin was wandering the streets of
Los Angeles with a gun? That’s the real wickedly wacky. Dear
Hollywood, gimme a movie about crazy people wandering streets with
samurai swords instead of the funny Coach Carter. Please.
July 8
Dark Wate Seriously this remake of an okay Asian horror flick should
be called Check Out Jennifer Connelly’s Wet Shirt. Seriously!
Fantastic Four I read the script. Craptastic Four. The Thing looks
like the King of Crap. I’ll be there opening night, dammit.
July 13
Hustle & Flow John Singleton directs this flick starring Ludacris
& DJ “The New Guy” Qualls. From what I gather, it’s
a rap drama about a pimp who wants to be rapper and his big song
is “It’s Hard to be a Pimp.” Not quite as sweet
of an idea as Queen’s score for the 1980 classic Flash Gordon,
but what is in this obscure body in the SK system?
July 15
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory As a big fan of the Roald Dahl
book and the original movie, (ask me sometime about the time I met
the guy who played Mike Teevee) I’m psyched for this and hopes
are high for a truly twisted and sweet adaptation. If someone would
have told me in 1988 that in the summer of 2005 there would be a
new Star Wars, a kick-butt Batman movie and a Tim Burton-directed
version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, my head would have
surely exploded.
Wedding Crashers With Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn playing dudes
that crash weddings for fun, you’d think the trailer would
be a gut buster. It’s not. Let’s not lose hope, as this
nearly raunchy-comedy-free summer movie season needs a good one.
July 22
Bad News Bears Billy Bob Thorton plays the coach and Richard Linklater
directs. Looks okay, but will they repeat Bad News history and go
to China? Will Billy Bob ever be William Robert Thorton? These are
questions man can never answer.
The Devil’s Rejects You bet! It’s Rob “Thunderkiss
1965” Zombie’s long awaited sequel to his almost great
horror hit, House of 1000 Corpses. This one is lookin’ good
and feelin’ good. Just like Fabio.
The Island So this Michael Bay directed futuristic sci-fi thing
about clones was shot in some of the choice areas of Detroit and
stars hotsy-totsy folk like Ewan “your girlfriend wants me”
McGregor and the always husky voiced Scarlett Johansson. But Michael
Bay . . . why does it have to be Michael Bay?
Last Days New flick from Gus Van Sant stars Michael Pitt as a guy
who looks like Kurt Cobain, acts like Kurt Cobain but is not the
Nirvana front man. The story of the film, which got mixed reviews
at Cannes, even mirrors Kurt’s own last days. Van Sant’s
films, even when they stink, are still interesting, so this one
may be one to look out for.
July 29
Must Love Dogs Diana Lane and John Cusack love it up in this lovey-dovey
sapfest for people who must love love. I was hoping for a movie
about a wisecracking hypnotist who gets people to love dogs in poor
countries, but then I hope for lots of things. Like Predator 3.
Never gonna happen.
Sky High Even though it’s a Disney-made family-friendly superhero
flick, Kurt Russell plays a superhero named THE COMMANDER! Kurt
Russell is no longer Captain Ron, no no no. Those days are d-o-n-e!
Time to move on, people!
Stealth The facts: It’s about a killer robot-brained jet.
Check! It has Oscar winner Jamie Foxx and not-Oscar winner Jessica
Biel. Check! It is directed by the mind behind XXX and The Fast
and the Furious, Rob Cohen. Check! It is written by the raging lunatic
who gave us Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension and Big Trouble
in Little China, W.D. Richter. What does it all equal up to? Pretty
and priceless movie-making magic.
Night Watch Hard to guess what the reaction will be like when this
first part in an epic horror/fantasy trilogy from Russian director
Timur Bekmambetov hits American screens. Many will see it out of
curiosity, although the language issue may keep some fans away.
Either way, hope for the best and be happy it is coming to theaters
instead to heading straight to video.
August
Much to look forward to in the month of August as we’ll see
releases like Jim Jarmusch’s brilliant Bill Murray-starring
film Broken Flowers, Wong Kar-Wai’s sci-fi romance follow
up to In the Mood for Love, 2046, the highly acclaimed Dukes of
Hazzard film and an actual new film, The Brothers Grimm, from the
most under-appreciated director working today, Terry Gilliam. Oh
yeah, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo is coming out. Finally, we
can all sleep at night.
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