Don’t
bother to come a-knockin’ on my door May 19. Don’t call
me, don’t fax me, don’t send me death threats or singing
telegrams, because I won’t be around. My rear will be firmly
planted in a semi-cushioned seat, and I’ll be headbanging
away the ultimate heavy-metal thunder of the summer, Star Wars
Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Go ahead, you film snobs,
beat me in the gut with your entire Criterion Collection, but not
only do I love George Lucas’ wacky space opera as a whole,
but I love every little thing about it. I love the bad dialog, I
love the constantly changing DVDs, I love the prequels and I even
have a special place in my heart for Jar Jar Binks. Hell, I woke
up this morning and ate Star Wars cereal with a red light
lightsaber spoon while wearing a Star Wars t-shirt. You
can imagine my sorrow, knowing that the current film is going to
be the final big screen Star Wars event.
This all relates to a questions I get all the time in the cards
and letters Watch Me Now fans out there send me. They ask,
“Are there any totally bootleg and incomprehensible Star Wars
rip-offs out there that will cure my loss-of-Star Wars sadness?”
To this question, I have a three word answer: DUNYAYI KURTARAN ADAM.
Roughly translated as “The Man Who Saves the World,”
1983’s Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam is better known as “Turkish
Star Wars” because contains stolen clips from the original
1977 Star Wars, sloppil and randomly cut rapid-fire into the movie,
and tries to tell an epic science fiction tale of heroism with a
75 cent budget. Contrary to popular belief, Dunyayi Kurtaran
Adam isn’t exactly a Star Wars remake from Turkey.
It’s more like the kind of movie a 7-year-old would have made
if he was given a camera and told to make a new Star Wars
film after walking out of Return of the Jedi in 1983.
The film starts out with a seizure-inducing series of clips from
Star Wars, shots of a NASA rocket taking off, the same
clips from Star Wars now in reverse and shots of a dude
in a bike helmet—all set to a funky disco beat. Turns out
that the bike helmet guy (who appears to have a television screen
behind him playing random Star Wars scenes) is the #1 Turkish
action hero and the #1 superstar writer and director of this film,
Cuneyt Arkin. The film then moves to some secret lair of bad guys
where we see what may be a crappy Darth Vader, a guy with a beard
wearing a gigantic helmet made of cardboard. He shouts something
to a robot with a siren on its head, and a clip of the Death Star
and some X-Wings is shown. Right now we’re about six minutes
in Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam and what music is playing to highlight
this ultra-dramatic and intense action? John Williams’ score
from Raiders of the Lost Ark randomly mixed up with Queen’s
score from the Sam J. Jones ‘80s classic, Flash Gordon.
Now, these two scores combined are part of the iPod shuffle of my
dreams, and this soundtrack only makes the forbidden candy from
the mind of Cuneyt Arkin that much sweeter.
Next thing we know we’re watching an almost-cool space-suit-wearing
Arkin and some other dude wander around a desert which is filled
with beautiful old stock footage of pyramids. As they walk around,
they endlessly talk about something until the Indiana Jones
music starts up again and they begin to use brain-damaged-style
kung fu to fight guys in fuzzy orange monster suits. After the climax
of that wet noodle of an action scene (which appeared to have been
edited by a crack addict) our heroes ride through the desert on
a couple horses. All during this, Arkin, for some reason, edits
in quick shots of people in monkey and devil masks screaming. It’s
a little weird and a whole lot freaky. Soon the guy played by Arkin
falls in love with a robe-and-headband wearing blonde lady whose
entire desert village has been tortured by evil robots, guys in
orange fuzzy suits and naturally, mummies. After a bunch of villagers
are killed, more Indiana Jones music plays, and my favorite
scene in all of Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam begins. As technopop
synth music plays, our shirtless heroes work out in the desert by
kicking exploding rocks, tying rocks to their legs and running around,
and jumping off trampolines. This moment of bliss lasts about fifteen
minutes. Then that Indiana Jones music kicks in, orange
fuzzy suit people show up, more stolen clips of X-Wings are shown
and another big radical fight busts out.
The film’s plot dissolves into some kind of oatmeal-like mess
that has something to do with a gold brain in a box, a golden zig-zag
sword, the bearded Vader-lookin’ guy and more mummies. Seems
that Arkin has to melt down the gold brain and the zig-zag sword
to make gold gloves and boots so he can properly fight the cardboard
helmet Vader guy. Makes sense. When the big fight happens, it’s
all green smoke and Arkin jumping off trampolines some more, as
well as ripping the heads off orange fuzzy suit people and robots.
The brilliant musical score shifts violently during this scene from
John Williams to Queen to the theme from The Black Hole
and back to John Williams. Just how the random intercut footage
of a smiling Luke Skywalker fits into the whole end battle, I have
no freakin’ clue, but would sure love to find out. After the
bearded Vader is beaten to a bloody pulp, our hero proudly puts
back on his bike helmet and flies off in stolen footage of the Millennium
Falcon. As the word “SON” fills the screen, I can only
guess that after one hour and twenty-four minutes of utter confusion,
Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam has finally come to an end.
This almost-rip-off of Star Wars isn’t the only American
pop culture landmark to get the Turkish treatment. A little searching
on the Internet can turn up the mind-boggling versions of E.T.,
Star Trek (which features a midget in a Spiderman costume!),
Superman, Batman, and yes, Indiana Jones.
For those seeking even more Star Wars madness, there’s
a brilliant Brazilian Star Wars out there in which our
heroes (and one guy in a gorilla suit) ride through a desert in
a dune buggy and go to a disco where they chase girls around, all
Benny Hill style. Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam is available all
over the place on bootleg VHS and DVD and features a gloriously
lousy video image and no English subtitles. It’s perfect for
any pre-Episode III party or for brutally torturing yourself
for 84 minutes straight. May the force be with you.
Email
watchmenow@annarborpaper.com
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