May
is here and it has brought with it the official start of the big
summer blockbuster marathon. Screw the sun, let’s sit in an
air-conditioned dark theater all summer long.
May 6
Crash No, this is not a re-release of David Cronenberg’s
1996 classic, nor is it a big screen adaptation of Fox TV’s
World’s Greatest Fiery Police Crashes. It is just
a movie with Sandra Bullock, Ludacris and Matt Dillon. I’ll
rent some Cronenberg instead.
House of Wax Did you hear about how the studio made some
promotional t-shirts for this movie that said “See Paris Die”?
That’s right, the film features the on-screen death of living
legend Paris Hilton. According to Hilton, she dies “in sexy
red lingerie—very sexy lace panties and a bra.” Hilton
went on to say that it was “really cool” to watch herself
die in the movie. I’ll buy that for a dollar.
Kingdom of Heaven Okay, so the whole epic-battle movie
trend was pretty much maxed out by Alexander, but this
one is directed by Ridley Scott so it has to be at least kind of
okay. Still, what is the deal with Orlando Bloom in this thing?
Can the guy only do movies where there are swords and stuff? Still,
this will probably make for an excellent kill-the-afternoon matinee.
May
13
Kicking and Screaming Will Ferrell gets all warm and fuzzy
playing a soccer coach dad. Judging by the mysterious pile of cash
Vin Diesel’s The Pacifier made and by the cute trailer,
this one will probably do pretty well with the family crowd.
Monster-in-Law So this load of junk has Jennifer Lopez
and Jane Fonda finally on screen together. Does this mean we can
start calling Jane Fonda J-Fo? J-Lo and J-Fo together at last!
Mindhunters So Renny Harlin shot this movie a few years
back, and it has been dancing back and forth between straight-to-DVD
and theater release ever since. A friend of mine saw a bootleg copy
and reported that the first fifteen minutes include a scene where
Christian Slater explodes. Any film with an exploding Christian
Slater is okay with me.
Unleashed Originally titled “Danny the Dog,”
this Luc Besson-written flick has martial arts hero Jet Li as a
guy trained to be a killer animal man let out into society. This
could either be totally awesome or totally lame. The inclusion of
Morgan Freeman as a blind dude tips the scale down just a little.
May 19
Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith Oddly enough,
this one is getting almost no hype and I was unable to find any
information about it on the Internet. All that is known is that
it is part of an obscure series of films made by the guy who directed
American Graffiti. Yes, it opens on a Thursday. Call in sick to
work and cancel all your plans, cuz this is gonna be the serious
mamma jamma.
May 27
The Longest Yard Adam Sandler throws that sensitive Spanglish
stuff out the window and gets back to doing what his fanbase loves
the most: yelling a lot and playing football. Chris Rock and the
star of the original version, Burt “I’ll Do Anything
for a Buck” Reynolds, also star.
Madagascar Cute animated animals from the Central Park
Zoo run around a jungle. Ben Stiller, Chris Rock and Gwen Stefani
supply voices. Bored audiences supply middle fingers.
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