Politics&You
Presidential Nominees of the Future
by Matthew Tobu

With the 2004 U.S. presidential election officially a part of history, many are already beginning to speculate about the possible major party nominees for the 2008 race. In fact, some are taking things a step further than that and making guesses about the 2012 contest. But why stop there?
In the event you’re still alive when these elections roll around, you’ll want to watch out for these prospective nominees:

Daniel Radcliffe With the rules restricting candidates to natural-born U.S. citizens out the window to pave the way for the Schwarzenegger administration, so go the age limitations, thereby allowing the Democrats to nominate the 27-year-old British Harry Potter star in 2016. Any doubts about the young man’s ability to rule are quelled in the wake of his service as Governor of South Iran following its acceptance into the Union as the 58th state in 2011.

George W. Bush II Attempting to beat the Democrats at their own game, the Republicans opt to run the fresh-faced 11-year-old son of Jenna Bush in 2020. Unfortunately, the party’s chances of recapturing the White House are annihilated when word breaks of a scandal involving the pre-teen Bush and a soda-pop smuggling ring. It should be noted that bubbles were rendered illegal with the ratification of the 31st amendment in 2012.

Gerald Ford After two embarrassing defeats at the hands of the Democrats and Radcliffe, the Republicans decide to combat youth and virility with age and wisdom by running the 111-year-old former president in 2024. The party seals the deal by throwing in a breathtaking clone of Marilyn Monroe as Ford’s running-mate.

Bliguffernog 9X7 After Ford’s overwhelming victory, the GOP pushes through legislation abolishing presidential term limits, allowing Ford/Monroe to parlay their 93% approval rating into five consecutive victories. With the odds stacked against them, the Democrats see themselves left with one option and consolidate all of their efforts to add a constitutional amendment allowing non-carbon-based entities to run for public office. Once successful, the party is free to nominate the wildly popular Uranusian pop-singer-turned-mayor-of-New-Mars Bliguffernog 9X7. A2P

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