With the announcement that terror-cells in his body have attacked
him with thyroid cancer, Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist
has the whole country speculating whether or not he’ll soon
be stepping down with the highest judicial body in these United
States. The list of possible replacements is a long one and many
of the potential nominees are downright surprising.
Pete
Rose
One of the finest players to swing a bat, Rose’s legacy as
a ballplayer was forever tarnished when he was caught gambling on
baseball, but what of his career as a justice? Rose received high
marks from critics for his work as head judge in the 2003 Nokia/Quizno’s
Presents The World’s Silliest Mustache Contest. However, with
the fast-paced ever-burgeoning world of high-stakes federal court
decision gambling, the fear that Rose could break a four-to-four
tie by thinking with his billfold could spell disaster for the justice
system.
Baby
Jessica
After winning the hearts of young and old nearly two-decades ago
with her adorable well-falling-into skills, the appointment of Baby
Jessica to the Supreme Court would definitely be a hit with the
public. Unfortunately, her longtime feud with Antonin Scalia would
bring personal issues into the courtroom and their cattiness could
hold up decisions indefinitely.
Every
Zipper in Tulsa, Oklahoma
Respected by politicians on both side of the aisle for his fair
and wise decisions as the Chief Justice of the Oklahoma Supreme
Court as well as a 265th Circuit Federal Judge, Every Zipper in
Tulsa, Oklahoma would not only glide through the confirmation process
but would provide much needed balance to a split bench. However,
unbeknownst to most, Every Zipper in Tulsa, Oklahoma has skeletons
aplenty in his closet. They’re in the deepest darkest recesses
of the closet, from when Every Zipper in Tulsa, Oklahoma was just
a fun-loving kid who never wanted any trouble, but before he knew
it found himself in over his head, but they’re there, and,
believe me, they’ll come out. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,
but someday. A2P
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