So
it’s November, the election is over, you have to start spending
lots of “family time,” it’s getting really freakin’
cold out and that all means only one thing: it’s time to go
hide out in a dark movie theater and shove some popcorn in your
mouth. Still you ask, “But what can I go see? Isn’t
it all just noisy propaganda crap out there?” Well, we here
at The Ann Arbor Paper have heard your cries, and while plenty of
crap is still in theaters, some big-screen beauties will be out
there to be found. Like what you ask?
November
5
Alfie Jude Law in a watered down remake of the old mod Michael Caine
classic. Isn’t this like Jude Law’s tenth movie this
year? Oh wait, who gives a rat’s ass?
The Incredibles Pixar makes every 7-year-old boy and 27-year-old
nerd’s wet dream an-on screen reality.
November
10
The Polar Express Okay, is this a horror movie or what? As if Tom
Hanks isn’t creepy enough, now we have wax face CG animated
Tom Hanks to visit us in our nightmares.
November
12
The Ringer Johnny Knoxville pretends to have Down Syndrome to compete
in the Special Olympics. ‘Nuff said.
Seed Of Chucky Chucky returns and by this we are blessed. John Waters
has a cameo and suffers a brutal on-screen death. Jennifer Tilly
plays herself. Like Fantasy Island on crack.
Finding Neverland Johnny Depp plays J.M. Barrie, the eccentric creator
of Peter Pan. Hell, anything is better than seeing gorilla hair-fest
chest Robin Williams flying around.
Kinsey Liam Neeson talks about sex. If only he could do it while
rockin’ that Qui Gon Jinn wig!
November
19
Bridget Jones The Edge of Reason Squishy faced Renee Zellweger reprises
the role that made women who watch Oprah and two-fisted Jack White
fall in love with her.
National Treasure Bloated idiot Nick Cage solves the riddle of the
back of the $1 bill!! Oooh! Stupid! It’s like Adaptation never
happened.
SpongeBob SquarePants Movie Can anyone explain this thing to me?
November
24
Alexander Oliver Stone returns with Colin Farrell as “the
great.” Val Kilmer is in it too! Will the mystical Indian
return? Christmas with the Kranks I’d rather die.
November
26
A Very Long Engagement Amelie director Jean-Pierre Jeunet and star
Audrey Tautou reunite in this period drama. No gnomes this time.
Being
Julia Annette Benning overacts her way through her big screen comeback.
Good job, now get in the car with Sharon Stone and get out. Tell
Stone she owes me five bucks for Catwoman. A2P
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