With
all of the tumult rocking New Jersey politics to its very core these
days, it’s never felt so good to not be from New Jersey. Nothing
boosts the ego like watching someone else fall on their face really
hard into a figurative pile of glass shards and fire ants. And with
more accusations of corruption coming out all the time, it seems
we’ll have New Jersey to make us feel good by comparison for
quite a while.
Not so fast!
Sure, McGreevey’s skeletons are out of the closet and driving
around in a purple Jeep. But there are plenty of other government
figures all over the country who are mere months, some even days,
a few just minutes, away from having the lid blown off their own
lie-filled lives. None of these claims can be proven, but they’re
all almost definitely possibly true:
House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
Next time you’re sharing drinks and a laugh with the Golden
State congresswoman, you might want to ask her where she was during
April and May of 2004. If she says anything other than, “breaking
up Phish,” look her square in the face and tell her to take
her untruths elsewhere. Using her seductive brow and her hypnotic
abs, Pelosi spitefully turned Trey Anastasio and Page McConnell
against each other before breaking both men’s hearts and riding
off into the sunset with an unnamed roadie from the String Cheese
Incident.
New York Governor George Pataki
Did you know George Pataki is a robot? Of course you didn’t.
But the truly sad thing is neither does he! Expect Pataki to take
this news hardest of all.
Senator Evan Bayh (D-IN)
Once upon a time, a gravel-voiced homely woman changed music and
the world forever. But at her peak, she was taken away from us,
leaving us to wander this mortal coil alone. That woman’s
name was Janis Joplin. Did Evan Bayh kill Janis Joplin? You could
say that. You could also say that Janis Joplin faked her own death,
had plastic surgery, changed her identity and ran for the U.S. Senate
in Indiana under the name—you guessed it—Evan Bayh.A2P
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