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Recently, the members of the bipartisan 9/11 panel published a report of their findings and made their recommendations to the Bush administration. While the majority of the suggestions made by the panel are more than rational, there are a few things that are a bit surprising and, some might say, downright odd. For example: The Country’s Pudding Supplies are Vulnerable Based on the discovery at an abandoned al Qaeda training camp of several pudding recipes along with anti-American literature that characterizes the sweet, creamy deliciousness of pudding as the quintessential manifestation of the United States’ wickedness, the commission cannot stress enough the fact that the terrorists are targeting our pudding. Specifically, tapioca and bread pudding are especially susceptible. All Guys Named Burt Donaldson Should Be Barred From Riding the Public Railways Until Further Notice It is the unanimous opinion of the panel that of the many lessons learned by the tragic events of September 11, 2001, one of the top 15 is that no fewer than 30 men named Burt Donaldson are actively planning attacks on the American people, designed to disrupt our normal way of life. Furthermore, it has been determined through the thorough review of a really wild dream that panel members Bob Kerrey and Slade Gorton both had on the same night, that one, many or all of these Burt Donaldsons are scheming to release an airborne and highly-infectious swarm of tiny orange sea otters aboard the nation’s locomotives. The commission was unable to determine the significance of the marmalade tidal-wave and horse-with-Steve-Buscemi’s-face also included in the dream, but cannot necessarily discount their relevance in the fight against terror. The Latest Modest Mouse Rocks While
this has little to do with the terrorist attacks of 9/11 or the
continuing struggle to protect the homeland from further tragedies,
commission member Richard Ben-Veniste threatened to hold his breath
until we agreed to include the above declaration in our findings.
Mr. Ben-Veniste wishes to have it also noted that the new Polyphonic
Spree is really starting to grow on him, too.A2P
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