ARIES
March 21 - April 19
Wiseman and one-time leader of our nation Tupac Shakur once said,
“Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.” In tribute
to his brilliance, find every possible excuse to escape from the
real world and enter into the world of fantasy. Remember to watch
out for Makaveli in this killuminati. Hail Mary.
TAURUS
April 20 - May 20
You’ve been snide and sneaky, viler than The Penguin. For
the most part people don’t want to associate with you anymore
because of your malicious, mean-spirited attitude. Everyone around
you knows you act the way you dobecause you’re weak and pathetic,
but you don’t need to take your insecurities out on the rest
of us.
GEMINI
May 21 - June 21
Don’t worry you will find that special someone to spend the
rest of your life with. You won’t have to order them by phone,
to be shipped directly to your door from Russia or Thailand, either.
Sometimes love takes a long time. You can’t expect every person
you meet and take home to be “the one.” Put down the
pint of Ben and Jerry’s, stop sulking and shower often.
CANCER
June 22 - July 22
You wreak havoc on everything around you. Like the claws of a crab
you spread your disease in all directions from your great hub. Spanning
across the globe your sickness sprawls across all nations and causes
great pain and ungodly ulcerations.
LEO
July 23 - August 22
The stick that was lodged in your ass must have broken off in there,
because you have been very unpleasant lately. Usually you’re
really nice and friendly, and maybe it’s the heat but throughout
the summer you have become increasingly ornery. If you can remember
how delightful you used to be, work on being that way again.
VIRGO
August 23 - September 22
Valuable tips for you in August: Never drink more than two beers
on a Monday, it’ll leave you with a headache until Wednesday.
Throughout the month never eat farm- raised catfish on a day ending
with a Y. When picking your nose always begin with the left nostril
before the right. Finally, always wear mismatched socks, so all
your singles can feel loved again.
LIBRA
September 23 - October 23
The reason you’re never invited to anything fun is that you
never come or RSVP to a party or get together. Why should your friend’s
continue to waste their breath inviting you along if you’re
not going to show up? Also, you may get more people turning up at
your barbeques, if you attend theirs.
SCORPIO
October 24 - November 21
Sometimes you have to let someone be who he or she wants to be.
Nagging at your loved ones to make “the right” choices
isn’t doing any good. Your advice is helpful, but don’t
be surprised if it’s not needed, or used.
SAGITTARIUS
November 22 - December 21
A telephone works by converting sound waves of a human voice to
pulses of an electrical current, transmitting the current, then
retranslating the current back to sound. Maybe you have heard of
this device recently thought up by Alexander Graham Bell in 1876,
so if the telephone doesn’t seem like to far out of an idea,
you should try picking one up and calling someone sometime.
CAPRICORN
December 22 - January 19
You are an emotional wreck, but try to keep things together. Deep
breaths will help you control your impulses to start crying at the
oddest times, like when you can’t open up a can of tuna or
you lose your keys. Everybody goes through a miserable patch where
they act like the poor little match girl; this is your chance to
be pathetic too.
AQUARIUS
January 20 - February 18
This is a time of transition for you. You will come to a place where
you are going to be spending a very long time, and the way you present
yourself now will be the guide for the rest of your life. If you
fall into the wrong crowd then your life will be more degrading
then it already is. Watch out for people who try to pressure you
into uncomfortable situations.
PISCES
February 19 - March 20
Internally you haven’t been feeling very well, and it’s
beginning to affect your outward appearance. Get to a doctor and
get checked out, because you don’t want to ignore any major
medical problems. Your health is not something to wait on.
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