With
the recent release of Bill Clinton’s massive autobiographical
tome My Life, shitcans around the world are having their lids blown
clean off. What many expected to be a benign and calculated account
of the former President’s life was instead an earth-shattering
mind-boggler of a tell-all tattly-hoo. Here are just a few of the
more shocking excerpts:
Page 197:
A lot of people don’t realize that The President of the United
States gets to sample lots of products far in advance of the general
public. For example, I had a camera-phone within three days of my
inauguration in 1993. By the middle of my second term, I was already
on my fourth no-emission fusion-powered jet-pack. Most people reading
this book won’t ever even live to see a commercial for one
of those. Excited about seeing Spider-Man 2 this summer? You ought
to be; I’ve seen it, and it’s awesome. You know what’s
even more awesome? Spider-Man 9, that’s what.
Page 701:
I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but Al Gore
wasn’t my first choice for Vice President. He was actually
my first choice for Secretary of Pants, Panties and Pantaloons.
But even during my first campaign, it was clear that the Republicans
in Congress would fight tooth and nail to block the development
of a US Department of PP&P. At that point I realized that if
I wanted Al to be a part of my administration, it was going to have
to be as Vice President. Unfortunately, I’d already pretty
much made up my mind that Elvira Mistress of the Dark would be my
running-mate. I had quite a decision to make. Luckily, I was abducted
by space demons who implanted a molecule-sized bomb in my brain
that would detonate if I didn’t pick Al as my veep. Elvira
is a real classy lady for understanding, and we’re dear friends
to this day. In fact, she’s Godmother to my seventh-favorite
pastrami hoagie.
Page 2680:
Okay, I’ll admit it: There was a third World War. Actually,
there were half a baker’s dozen of World Wars. We did quite
a job keeping them a secret, but it was pretty easy. After all,
the fourth World War was fought completely underwater between NATO
and Atlantis. World War Five took place inside the Moon. The only
casualties of that one were robots and giant spiders, so I don’t
feel guilty saying that one was actually pretty fun. Phew. It feels
good to finally get that all off my chest. A2P
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