Politics and You
Kerry's VP long list
by Matthew Tobey

By now we’ve all heard names like Dick Gephardt and John Edwards bandied about as strong possibilities for John Kerry’s running mate this November. They’re on the “short list” as they say. But what about the dark horses, the long shots and the fat chances?

Who exactly is making up John Kerry’s long list?

I asked myself that very question repeatedly until I deliriously became convinced that my mouth had moved to my forehead and my trusty ball-peen hammer was a pastrami sandwich. When I came to, lying beside me was a sheet of paper. Written on that sheet of paper were several names. I’ve since come to believe that what I now possess is page 46 of an extensive collection of possibilities for the Democratic Vice Presidential nominee slot.
As a service to the reading public, I now present the contents of the page:

317. Carl Lewis
Pros: The use of the Olympic superstar would provide fodder for endless campaign slogans featuring clever “running” puns, i.e. If you think you’ve seen Carl Lewis run before, you ain’t seen nothing yet! Kerry/Lewis ’04.
Cons: Lewis’ involvement in the great St. Louis oatmeal scandal of ’97 could make him a huge liability.

318. The World’s Smartest Fishing Pole
Pros: While name-recognition alone makes The World’s Smartest Fishing Pole a more than worthy choice, her heroic feats on the battlefields of both Vietnam and Montreal will surely make Kerry/Pole an unbeatable ticket on the issues of defense and homeland security.
Cons: The polls show American’s just aren’t ready for a Hindi lesbian to be one assassin’s bullet or nasty bout of food-poisoning away from assuming the Oval Office.

319. Dennis Kucinich
Pros: The elfin former mayor of Cleveland could deliver the much-coveted ultra-liberal Ohioan constituency.
Cons: Once news that the Congressman has thirteen toes became public, it’d be lights out for the hypothetical Kerry/Kucinich ticket. A2P

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