Politics and You
Presidential Daily Briefings
by Matthew Tobey

The entire country has blown a gasket and popped a wheelie over the declassification of the August 6th, 2001 Presidential Daily Briefing entitled Bin Laden Determined To Strike in U.S. However, this is only one of several shocking PDBs. While the Bush administration is bent on keeping this information a secret, I was able to obtain several excerpts from a handful of other briefings. Be warned: Reading these could very well cause your eyeballs to leap from your skull and attack you.

January 17th, 2002: Ashton Kutcher Determined to Punk Member of N’SYNC
The CIA and several international intelligence bodies have received separate reports of heavy chatter suggesting one, some or all of the members of seminal boy-band N’SYNC are at risk of being targeted for a punk by actor Ashton Kutcher. While the member and/or members of the band as well as the method of punking is as yet unknown, increased security is recommended to prevent members of N’SYNC from having his/their Lexus LX 470 SUV temporarily replaced by an identical decoy filled with fake narcotics. It is the belief of the United States intelligence community that such a tactic would likely be used as a set-up for a punk involving a phony DEA agent.

November 20, 2003: One of Janet Jackson’s Breasts Determined to Attack Large Viewing Audience

Through the interrogation of breasts currently being held in custody, it has been deduced that one or more of Janet Jackson’s breasts are intent on corrupting the hearts and minds of millions of freedom-loving Americans. The details remain sketchy at this juncture, but this threat should not be ignored. Both of Jackson’s breasts have been under surveillance for years. The left breast has been indirectly connected to several charities that are suspected of funding Hamas, while the right breast was seen in Yemen around the time of USS Cole bombing.

April 16, 2004: Martin Mull Determined to Coat Major U.S. City in As Yet Unknown Condiment
Funnyman Martin Mull’s name has come up a number of times in several recently intercepted carrier-pigeon messages. The leader of a ruthless terrorist cell, Mull is more than likely planning to soak one of the country’s main metropolises in some sort of liquid food garnish. Among the chief possibilities are Los Angeles in mango salsa, St. Louis in bacon-flavored tarter sauce and Miami in reduced-sodium barbecue sauce. A2P

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