This
week, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice will testify before
the 9/11 panel. And while it seems like a good thing, it’s
quite the opposite. After all, the White House had denied the panel
Rice’s under-oath testimony at first, but after the panel
continued to push, the administration finally gave in. Now they’re
going to get cocky.
I give the 9/11 panel a week before they’re bringing in Goldie
Hawn under the pretense that there may be ties between Al Qaeda
and Laugh-In, only to use the opportunity to dreamily and
repeatedly ask the aging actress to recount the uninhibited weekend
in 1971 that she spent in Bora Bora with three of the Beach Boys,
two Tibetan monks and an armless magician. But that’ll all
seem like a cakewalk in the park once the panel really starts to
get high and mighty.
Each member of the panel will eventually be given a secret nickname
that can and will change at any given time without warning. Anyone
testifying must address the panel members using the appropriate
nickname, otherwise they’ll be forced to finish their testimony
sitting in a kiddy-pool filled with porridge. Get the nickname wrong
eight consecutive times and it’ll be into the tickle-tank
with you.
Drunk with power, the panel will next start coming to unsubstantiated
conclusions about the events of September 11, 2001. Musician Norah
Jones will be charged with “infinity counts of first-degree
adorableness with intent to cause great bodily charm” and
sentenced to a candle-lit picnic dinner with the members of the
9/11 panel and “eleventy-fifty great big bear hugs.”
Anyone who questions what Norah Jones and her criminal level of
cuteness has to do with the terrorist attacks will be charged with
treason and sentenced to three weeks of washing the cars of the
members of the 9/11 panel.
It sounds absurd, sure, but that’s what they said about the
horseless-carriage and the pantsless-telephone. So keep an eye on
that wily 9/11 panel; that rascally bunch is up to no good.
A2P
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