Teenagers
are seriously EVIL, folks. I know this because the movies tell me
so. They’re dangerous, they all carry guns and do hard drugs,
and they listen to what Hollywood apparently thinks is punk rock
but is actually really bad new wave (or speed metal, as in the brilliant
’80s teen movie River’s Edge). Of course, the whole
“teens on the edge” subgenre existed in the film world
long before the advent of punk rock, but only the fashion excesses
and general ridiculousness of the post-punk ’80s could have
brought us a film like Class of 1984.
In Class of 1984 (1982, directed by Mark L. Lester), idealistic
young music teacher Andy Norris (Perry King) has come to a troubled
Los Angeles high school with hopes of changing and teaching the
school’s rebellious youth by soothing the savage beast with
music. What Norris fails to count on is the fact that the school
is suffering under the reign of a gang of teenage punks—the
kind of punks who get into knife fights, run prostitution rings
as an extracurricular activity, and basically only really exist
in this kind of movie. A bunch of no-good punks. Despite their obvious
lack of interest or direction, Norris tries to engage the punks
in music class, particularly their musical prodigy leader (Timothy
Van Patten). These efforts are met with derision, then harassment.
All of this action comes to a head in an ultra-violent showdown,
which I won’t ruin for you except to say that not all music
teachers are complete pantywaists.
This is a great movie for its genre, what with its soap-opera melodrama,
cheap production values, and ludicrous representation of “punks”
(Van Patten, as the gang’s sociopathic leader, sports a poofy,
blow-dried hairdo that I’m pretty sure was legally banned
in the United States sometime around January 1st, 1990). Perhaps
its most shining, must-see moment, though, is when cynical science
teacher Terry Corrigan (played by none other than Planet Of The
Apes star Roddy McDowall) finally snaps under the pressure of teaching
these hooligans and quizzes his class at gunpoint. Corrigan was
particularly peeved, you see, because the punks killed and maimed
his beloved lab animals. When McDowall begins shooting into the
air and bellowing “CLASS IS NOT DISMISSED!” in his fey,
dignified accent, you know this film is a winner. If that’s
not enough, how about this: the movie also features an appearance
by a very young Michael J. Fox, as a dweeby band kid (frankly, the
most unrealistic thing about this movie—who’s ever heard
of an uncool band kid?) who gets stabbed in a riot in the school
cafeteria. I’d go on, but frankly, if you’re not sold
by now, there’s precious little I can do for you.
A2P
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