John
Ramsey, father of slain miniature beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey,
has announced that he intends to run as a Republican for a soon-to-be-vacated
seat in the Michigan State House of Representatives. While the news
of Phil Collins’ ferret giving birth would have certainly
raised more eyebrows, the news made my blood run cold.
If Ramsey wins, not only will there suddenly be one more jackass
in the government to cater to the wants of the out of control children’s
cosmetics lobby, but it will no doubt open the door to a flood of
90’s-era news celebrities running for office.
Before we know it, Joey Buttafuoco will be running for governor
of New York, attracting voters with his plan to balance the budget
by selling off all of the state’s dirt. The tempting financial
tactic will be too tempting for voters to resist, but in the end,
the scheme will prove disastrous when New Yorkers find themselves
living atop the earth’s mantle. And if history has taught
us anything, it’s that it’s pretty difficult to hold
a recall election when the entire constituency is melting and/or
on fire.
And if you think that’s bad, just wait until Lyle and Erik
Menendez run against each other to be California’s Secretary
of State. Being that both brothers are currently serving life sentences
in prison, their staffs will be completely comprised of other inmates,
with Erik enlisting the help of the Bloods and Lyle gaining the
backing of the skinheads. Upping the ante, Erik will promise to
crackdown on unlicensed notaries, a position that will convince
the Crips to put their emotions aside and join the Bloods for the
good of the State.
With the pressure on, Lyle will make some backroom deals to garner
the support of the California penal system’s most powerful
gang: the pirates. It isn’t publicized much, but The Golden
State’s correctional facilities are teaming with convicted
pirates, and they’re quite a bunch of movers and shakers.
With the campaigns resorting to dirty tactics, mudslinging will
turn to shiv-sticking, and nothing turns voters off more than blood.
Seeing no clear difference between the two, Californians will ultimately
overlook Erik and Lyle in favor of a third candidate: John Wayne
Bobbit.
So unless you want to see a maniacal fascist dictator in California’s
Secretary of State office, it might be in your best interest to
see that John Ramsey loses in November. A2P
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