| Sometimes
a rare film is able to tell you within its opening moments that
it’s not just good, it’s a film for the ages. In the
poetry of its visuals or the skill with which it’s able to
precisely set the proper mood, a film can warn you in advance that
it is about to not only entertain, but change the very fabric of
your life. With Luigi Cozzi’s 1978 low-budget, schlock sci-fi
space opera masterpiece, Star Crash, I had such an experience.
The film opens with a radical view of space that features glowing
red and blue stars. I’m no Carl Sagan, but when I look up
into the sky at night, as much as I wish they were there, I see
no Christmas tree lights. After this glorious view of the cosmos,
we see an unpainted five-dollar spaceship model slowly roar in over
the camera. The sheer originality of that shot is enough to make
grown men weep, but Star Crash doesn’t stop there.
After the craft passes over the camera, we see it again from an
overhead view and finally again from underneath. This truly being
the definition of the “special effect. After this opening,
my mouth dropped wide open, I sat firmly down in my seat, and shook
my head in amazement. I had just discovered the glory of Star
Crash.
The film’s story begins as we see the crew of the unpainted
model being attacked by badly superimposed red dots. These red dots
must be pretty lethal as they cause all the members to grab the
sides of their heads, scream and then drop to the floor. Far, far
away from all that nonsense we next meet up with the feather-haired
Stella Star (played by Caroline Munro) and her creepy copilot Akton
(Marjoe Gortner), who looks like the guy from The Greatest American
Hero on heavy drugs. These two heroes for every generation
set out on a mission to stop the ultra evil Count Zarth Arn (Joe
Spinell) from using his red dots to take over the galaxy. Along
the way, Stella Star and Akton join up with an annoying guy in a
robot suit (who of course, has a Southern accent) fight off Amazon
women with electrical tape over their nipples, and encounter a giant
walking thing made of tin foil on a beach. Things really get turned
up to eleven when Germany’s favorite, David Hasselhoff, shows
up sporting giant puffy hair and loads of disturbing eyeliner, and
wielding a light saber. That’s right, Star Crash features
Hasselhoff with a light saber fighting off some horribly animated
robots and smiling the whole way through it. Did I forget to mention
that Shakespearean trained actor Christopher Plummer is in here,
too, as the Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe? The poor
guy looks like he’s about to cry when he has to deliver dialog
like, “Now there is peace as the planets shine.” Speaking
of dialog, this beauty has some the best words ever spoken on screen.
One of my favorites is spoken by the wonderfully over-the-top Count
Zarth Arn, with his funky George Washington hairdo, as he proudly
demands his assistant Eric to “Destroy the approaching ship
approaching us!” Feel free to take a moment to fully digest
the weight of the poetry in that line for a moment before moving
on.
Having started his career with Italian horror mastermind Dario Argento,
director Luigi Cozzi, followed up Star Crash with two equally
bizarre Hercules films featuring actor of the decade Lou Ferrigno
(one of which features Hercules throwing a man in a bear suit into
space!), none of which are currently available on DVD. About a year
ago, I had the pleasure to meet Mr. Cozzi and shake the master’s
hand. I told him of my love for his work and my desire to see more
of his films, especially Star Crash, given the full DVD
treatment. Cozzi hung his head low and told me he too would love
to see his red and blue stars, Hasselhoff with a light saber, and
feathered-hair 1978-style space-babe epic on DVD, but the studios
own it and he didn’t even remember which studio that was.
Where as I took this as another sign of his genius, it actually
means that it may be harder and harder for the future generations
to experience Star Crash. Still, I have the satisfaction
of knowing that the film, like a fine wine, will only get better
with age. Perhaps the film’s hero Akton said it best as he
yells into the camera, “GO FOR HYPERSPACE!” A2P
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