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February 20, under the cover of darkness and swaddled in ninja garb,
President Bush smuggled Alabama Attorney General William Pryor onto
the United State’s 11th Circuit Appeals Court, confounding
Senate Democrats who had opposed Pryor’s nomination. And while
few Americans can even spell “judge,” the appointment
shouldn’t be ignored.
Democrats weren’t up in arms about Pryor simply because of
his criticism of abortion rights. Truth be told, most Democrats
secretly know that an abortion has been performed in the United
States since 1947. The real reason for the resistance is Pryor’s
ties to an ancient order of grapefruit-worshipping ogres.
Yes, it sounds absurd, but as history has taught us, something so
absurd can only be true. Anyone remember the Union robots that defeated
the rebels at Gettysburg or the talking toaster whose televised
endorsement of Ronald Reagan virtually guaranteed the former actor’s
election? I rest my case.
With Pryor on the bench, the floodgates are poised to open wide.
Not only will Pryor’s decisions be extremely biased toward
both grapefruits and ogres, but more judges of his ilk are sure
to follow. By decade’s end the influence will almost definitely
have penetrated our Constitution, with amendments that have for
centuries defined our nation sullied by the manipulations of a race
of creatures heretofore shrouded from mainstream society.
Our right to bear arms will be limited to those who bear arms while
eating grapefruit or those bearing arms made from at least 51percent
grapefruit and/or grapefruit by-products.
The third amendment right to refuse to quarter soldiers will stipulate
that all Americans be required to quarter any soldier, or any person
for that matter, who offers a bushel of grapefruit in exchange for
said quartering. In addition, soldiers made from at least 51 percent
grapefruit and/or grapefruit by-products will be allowed to be quartered
in any home he or she pleases, with or without the consent of the
homeowner.
Worst of all though, the 64th amendment, which stipulates that every
citizen is born with the God-given right to insult grapefruits at
any given time, will be completely repealed.
William Pryor claims to be a man of honor and integrity, but when
all is said and done, he’s just a grapefruit-loving, ogre-catering-to
son of a bitch.A2P
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