|
Now that the country is
prospering economically, every American has adequate healthcare
and the public school system is a picture of perfection, the government
is free to explore the real problems plaguing the United States,
namely the flagrant, violent, carcinogenic display of Janet Jackson’s
upper body genitalia on national television. And it’s a good
thing, too.
“Big deal,” you’re probably saying. “Who’s
never seen a perfectly developed mammary sexily adorned with a metal
star thingy?”
Unfortunately, you don’t seem to grasp the implications on
the ocular rape by the NFL and the pop-music industry will have
on the populous. In a hundred years, if there are any humans still
alive, the porno flick sandwiched between two halves of the classiest
annual event in the United States will almost definitely be looked
upon as the beginning of the end for civilization as we know it.
For example, the Al Qaeda terrorist network had reportedly been
planning a post-Super Bowl press conference at which they would
announce they were hanging up their dirty bombs and putting 100
percent of their efforts into the planting and nurturing of daisies.
However, Miss Jackson’s luscious teat sent out an invisible
mind-beam that hypnotized the fundamentalist Muslim outfit to not
only continue their attacks on Western interests, but to also begin
targeting dolphins. An Al Qaeda spokesman was quoted as saying,
“it wasn’t until the breast spoke to us that we realized
that the aquatic mammals are the infidels of the sea.”
Moreover, the on-stage snuff-show led to the random exploding of
at least 5,000 babies, caused six middle-aged women in Duluth, Minn.,
to suddenly sprout staplers out of their elbows, and gave a cocktail
of venereal diseases to every virgin within a two-mile radius of
a television tuned to the abomination.
I fear we haven’t even begun to feel the effects. Even as
I type this with the image of the bulbous brown beacon burned into
my brain, I can feel poison coursing through my veins. I wouldn’t
be surprised if I woke up tomorrow transformed into a giant walking,
talking piece of chewed bubblegum.
Pray that the FCC is able to punish Miss Jackson and her cohorts
and that Chairman Michael Powell can rise to the challenge of saving
our culture and our lives. Pray really damn hard. A2P
|
|
