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me guess....when clock hit midnight and it became 2004, the one
wish on your mind was that the year’s lineup of movies would
not be packed with lame-brain sequels, confused comic book movies
and bloated star vehicles. I hate to break this to you, but to say
2004 looks to have its cinema ups and downs is a massive understatement.
Hollywood studios have never been much for learning from mistakes,
a fact smeared all over the upcoming cinema train wrecks.
Unless you count the big screen version of Starskey and Hutch,
featuring Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson and Snoop Dogg, as something
to look forward to, the next couple months are some seriously slow
times for movie lovers. Sure, it’s a good time to catch up
on the flicks you missed during the holiday Oscar rush, and if you
can still stand the sight of Elijah Wood saying, “Oh, Sam”
over and over again ,you can always revisit Middle Earth. Still,
you’ve got to be hungry for something new by now. We were
going to have the second half of Quentin Tarantino’s Kill
Bill in February, but its release has been pushed back to mid-April.
This brilliant move means Vol. 2 can make its glorious debut at
Cannes and, more importantly, Miramax can sell a heck of a lot more
DVDs. But not many people really gave a hoot about the first movie’s
thin story line, and who really cares what happens in the second?
Regardless, we’ll have to wait to see Uma Thurman kill more
people because she’s...getting revenge...on Bill...or something.
One bright spot of the spring season looks to be Guillermo Del Toro’s
popcorn action flick, Hellboy. The film, based on, you
guessed it, a long-running comic book series, features Ron Perlman
as a human super-weapon created by Nazis and witchcraft during World
War II. Using his indestructible right hand and demon powers, he
now fights against evildoers everywhere. Somehow foxy Selma Blair
(with a blue flame coming out her hand) also fits into this whole
thing. Del Toro’s recent, and vastly underrated, The Devil’s
Backbone and Blade 2 were both classy thrill rides,
and Hellboy promises to be a fan’s wet dream. The heroic offspring
of witchcraft and Nazis could be a tough sell, I, for one, will
be looking forward to seeing something this gutsy and ridiculous.
On the subject of comic book movies, have you heard there is a Catwoman
movie coming out? In it, beloved superstar Halle Berry wears the
lamest costume ever seen on film: a black bondage thing (oooh! never
seen that before!) with pointless zippers all over the place and
open-toe shoes. She’s a sexy crimefighter! It’s a blockbuster!
The film’s plot has something to do with a character played
Sharon Stone making evil cosmetics. I’m afraid I’m not
making this up. Berry must have the same agent as Cuba Gooding,
Jr.—both have made nothing but complete nonsense after winning
Oscars. I wish there was some way Oscars could be revoked from stars
who go on to make films like Gothika or Boat Trip.
If we’re lucky, local hero Sam Raimi’s Spiderman 2 will
wash away whatever germs Catwoman leaves behind.
We do have more to look forward to than superheroes and sequels.
The Coen Brothers return with a remake of the 1955 comedy The
Ladykillers. Tom Hanks plays the beautifully named Goldthwait
Higginson Dorr III, Ph.D, as he assembles a gang of “experts”
to pull off the ultimate heist. Martin Scorsese will release his
much anticipated biopic of Howard Hughes, The Aviator,
featuring Leonardo DiCapro as the young jetset billionaire. Jonathan
Demme’s remake of The Manchurian Candidate, with
Denzel Washington and Meryl Streep, holds promise as well. And as
much as I despised the Harry Potter films, I can’t help but
wonder what Y Tu Mama Tambien director Alfonso Cuaron will
do with the third magic-boy cash cow.
My most-anticipated is the next pic from Wes Anderson, director
of Royal Tenenbaums, Rushmore and Bottle Rocket.
The Life Aquatic stars Bill Murray as a Jacques Costeau
type in search of a mystical white dolphin. Yep, a white dolphin.
Jeff Goldblum, Willem Dafoe and Harold and Maude star Bud
Cort join him in his hunt. Anderson is using stop-motion animation
for all of the film’s underwater scenes. I can already imagine
the young Max Fischer lovers furiously typing away on their Live
Journal diaries that this change in form represents cinematic disappointment,
I am delighted to see one of the greatest young directors today
taking risk.
Let’s keep our fingers crossed that other directors dare to
show audiences something new, instead relying on the recycling machine
that is today’s Hollywood. In this time of blockbusters based
on theme park rides, it’s scary to think that the concept
of the original idea has become almost extinct. We can also hope
that somewhere in the jungle of big budget releases, something unexpected
has to come out this year. We can hope this film won’t be
based on a book, comic book, won’t be a remake, and won’t
feature anyone using magical powers. We can hope. A2P
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